I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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