Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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