the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize