Apparently you make a good broom.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize