tonight lets celebrate not being married
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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