I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
