You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
