Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
