Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize