I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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