This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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