Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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