Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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