it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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