yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
