I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
