the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
