haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
