You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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