i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
