You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry about my life...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
