its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
