Betty ford says i'm here all night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
