I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
is it fun? or sober?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
