K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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