why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize