That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
