screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
