On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
