I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize