I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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