Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
