either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
