did you get engaged???
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
