You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
