Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
