Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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