Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
