Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
