(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Ketchup is God's man juice
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
