who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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