she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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