Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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