Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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