Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
