he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
