Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
