Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
