I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
