If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize