how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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