It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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