You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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