I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize