I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
