Small penises have feelings too.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
